[GreenSky]

Jesus Is My Health Insurance


I tell you, people these days have lost their faith. Everybody's turning to the television or drugs or the government to solve their problems, when they should be trusting in the Lord.

Why, just the other day I went to County General because my legs were giving me awful pains, and this nurse starting asking me questions about providers and what was my health care plan and wanting my insurance card so she could copy it. I said, "Child, I don't need all that fancy paperwork­ not as long as I have Jesus in my heart."

No matter what sorts of hardships and illnesses life throws my way, I always count on the Lord to oversee my managed care. So I told that nurse to send my bills right up to heaven. Send them right on up, because Jesus is my preferred provider and He always grants me full coverage. After all, Jesus believed in healing the sick and helping the poor, so He most definitely believes in paying my doctor bills on time.

The Son of God doesn't screen for pre- existing conditions, and the only requirement for coverage is that you accept Him into your life. There is no deductible with the Lord, and every doctor, clinic, and hospital is in His network. As long as I get down on my knees and submit my claims every night, Jesus will accept them. Even though Peter denied Him three times in a single night, He never denies me, no matter how many ovarian cysts and respiratory infections I might develop.

As long as I place my $10 weekly premium in the Holy Redeemer collection plate every Sunday, my spirit is full with the Lord. He maketh me lie down in green pastures, leadeth me beside the still waters, and covereth hospital stays for up to 90 days per benefit period.

Unlike many earthly health plans, the Lord's benefit summary is endless. It includes full vision and ambulance and X-rays. Hemodialysis, infertility treatment, dental, and gynecological exams are also included, as well as physical and occupational therapy. And well-baby and well-child care is covered too, including immunizations and hearing tests. For additional benefits details, consult your Bible.

But best of all, Jesus' plan is the only one that covers the greatest health benefit of all: everlasting life. Yes, indeed­the Lord primary-care provides.

Now, I remember the days when I was all alone in the world. Until I found the Lord, I was consumed with fear because my heart problems were getting worse and I had to be on these special pills and I couldn't afford regular insurance with my hotel housekeeping job. That's when I discovered that Jesus' emergency room accepts everybody. No lines, no waiting, no forms to fill out. He lifts my soul but never my rates.

Oh, once in a while those folks from P & H Collection Agency come calling, but I know it's just Jesus testing me. For I know that just as He delivered Lazarus from the tomb, the Lord will deliver me from the $80,000 in unpaid medical costs on my billing statement.

Today, I just give myself to the Lord and know that He will always provide a substantial portion of my net health-care costs for non-elective surgeries and routine office visits. And with the Holy Spirit as my death and dismemberment policy, my next of kin will one day reap the riches of heaven. Praise be.

Please understand, this was posted as a JOKE.

[STIBROKER@AUSTIN.RR.COM]

[NHB_MMA]

I thought if another post was started on the merits of Christianity vs. Atheism, it was supposed to be an intelligent argument, not a smartass slam at the faith of others.

[GreenSky]

Originally Posted by NHB_MMA

I thought if another post was started on the merits of Christianity vs. Atheism, it was supposed to be an intelligent argument, not a smartass slam at the faith of others.

This was posted as a joke, not a slam. I'm happy to have a real discussion if you wish. There was no put-down intended. And this has nothing to do with the merits of any religion. Just thought it funny.

You have my permission to make as make atheist jokes as you wish.

Rick

[JSF]

Here's an atheist joke.

God: Hey Peter, look at that atheist down there, he doesn't believe in me!
Peter: Doesn't change anything, does it?
God: Nope

[bluemarlin08]

Rick,
I am curious, who do you think this guy Jesus was? Do you think he was a fraud? A make believe person? A good teacher? Or do you believe he never really existed? Maybe a lunatic?

[GreenSky]

Originally Posted by bluemarlin08

Rick,
I am curious, who do you think this guy Jesus was? Do you think he was a fraud? A make believe person? A good teacher? Or do you believe he never really existed? Maybe a lunatic?

I believe that either Jesus existed as one person, or is a compilation of many people. Frankly, the former is more likely.

2,000 years ago I'm sure there were many good people promoting the "word" of god. Jesus is likely one of them.

What he was reputed to have said is wonderful. If we all lived by his philosophy, this would be a much better world.

Was he the son of god? No. Since I don't believe in god, how can I believe he/she had a son?

That being said, the real proof of a "Christian" are deeds, not words. I live a "Christian" life with the exception (yes, it's a big one) that I do not believe in god.

Rick

[Dave020]

Originally Posted by bluemarlin08

Rick,
I am curious, who do you think this guy Jesus was? Do you think he was a fraud? A make believe person? A good teacher? Or do you believe he never really existed? Maybe a lunatic?

I am lately inclined to the Holy Blood Holy Grail theory, that he was a disciple of John the Baptist who came into his own after JtB was arrested and he lost the power play to take over the group (to a guy named Simon Magus). Took some friends, including a very well-connected Mary Magdelene, and started his own thing. Got himself into trouble with his entry into Jerusalem and finally got the same as JtB (maybe). Interesting, Mary M was sister to Lazarus who was buddies with Joseph of Aramethia who in turn was tight with both Pontius Pilate and Herod Antipas. So, let's just say that Jesus would have been very well connected and quite well protected given his circle of friends.

[CHUMPS FROM OXFORD]

"I am lately inclined to the Holy Blood Holy Grail theory"

Myself...I lean towards just the "Holy Grail" theory...

[Dave020]

Originally Posted by CHUMPS FROM OXFORD

"I am lately inclined to the Holy Blood Holy Grail theory"

Myself...I lean towards just the "Holy Grail" theory...

Haven't seen that movie in ages, what a great movie. Time to get on netflix and order it up

[Bob_The_Insurance_Guy]

Actually, Jesus followers scare me less than those that follow Clark Howard (who is running for Mayor of our fair city), Dave Ramsees, or Susie Ormond (Clark Howard with testicles)

[bluemarlin08]

It is a great movie, but that is not what he is referring to. Google Holy Blood Holy Grail theory,

[Dave020]

Originally Posted by bluemarlin08

It is a great movie, but that is not what he is referring to. Google Holy Blood Holy Grail theory,

All of the research that Dan Brown "borrowed" for the Da Vinci Code LOL.It is a good read and very enlightening and they did some very thorough research on it all.

[JSF]

Originally Posted by GreenSky

I believe that either Jesus existed as one person, or is a compilation of many people. Frankly, the former is more likely.

2,000 years ago I'm sure there were many good people promoting the "word" of god. Jesus is likely one of them.

What he was reputed to have said is wonderful. If we all lived by his philosophy, this would be a much better world.

Was he the son of god? No. Since I don't believe in god, how can I believe he/she had a son?

That being said, the real proof of a "Christian" are deeds, not words. I live a "Christian" life with the exception (yes, it's a big one) that I do not believe in god.

Rick

I know what you are implying, everyone throws around the word "Christian" nowadays so now it connotes a plethora of meanings. And it's getting to be the only "lifestyle" you can bash and not get hassled or thrown in jail. However, consider this.

You CANNOT live a Christian life. You live a "moral" life. Morality by itself will get you nowhere one minute after you are dead. Christians believe that Christ is God. You do not believe in God. To be a Christian means to be a follower of Christ. To be a follower of Christ means to obey His commands. His commands are summed up in the WHOLE of the revealed Word of God (OT/NT), not a few lovely verses taken out of context. Therefore, you should have to read, study, and live by the Bible increasingly every day to be a Christian. And Christ's Spirit Himself will have to open your understanding to enable you to do so. Without Christ, you can do NOTHING (of value to God).

Now then, I was speaking "vertically"; horizontally anyone can certainly do many "moral" good deeds, and we should. But that should follow from the vertical else in the end it is all for naught. Read Ecclesiastes. It is short. And very practical, profound, and proverbial. And it has a conclusion. And it was inspired by God specifically for your consumption.

That being said, humans are imperfect and words and deeds (works) will fall short, therefore they cannot be "proof" of a real Christian (works can be faked, it is the Spirit behind the works that produces eternal quality). The proof of a real Christian is his FAITH (in Christ, the Son of God, who, "before Abraham was, I AM"). And that Faith will be tried and the works judged by Christ Himself in perfect Godly righteousness.

You are right that words, deeds, and works should follow after faith (did you say that?) and "indicate" a reborn eternal Christian Spirit, but in our fallen flesh we are hard pressed to discern the false from the genuine. But that is not where we place our faith, although we (are to) love and forgive one another in the faith.

In a nutshell, a Christian derives his knowledge of God in the unchangeable Word of God. An atheist believes in Science; how many times do the Science books change? When you die, what revision will be current? How can you let finite changing human intelligence in Science regarding the Creation (okay, the physical universe) help you determine if there is a God or not (God is a Spirit). That flat amazes me every time.

Anyway, I mean no disrespect, I am just trying to contribute a little food for thought. Hey, I was born an atheist just like everyone else! Been there, done that!

My two mites.

[GreenSky]

Shepherd -

Great post! I stand corrected. I don't live a "Christian" life, I live a "Moral" life.

Not to worried about science vs. god after I die. I'll be dead.

Rick

[Dave020]

While science is ever changing, I suggest those who believe that the new testament of the bible is unchanged do some research on the council of Nicea where the codification of that testament took place - and look at exactly how many existing scriptures were, shall we say, left out of the codification because they didn't exactly support the proposition of the church to be created at that time (300 AD). Science will always change as man learns more about it. The codified bible does not change simply because a large group of rival and warring factions came together under direct orders from a pagan emporer to codify a religion to stop the bloodshed. It does change though, when the other scriptures and writings are uncovered as they have been in the last 100 years.

[Dave020]

I would futher suggest that those who place faith in the new testament of the bible spend at least some time studying the Gnostic scriptures as well. They are very interesting and were written by people much closer to the events than those currently in the new testament (like Mary Magdelene and Judas Iscariot). The scriptures currently deemed first hand were actually written between 67 AD and 137 AD - long after the events occured and by people who were not involved.

[GreenSky]

See what happens to the forum when there is no news on the zero premium life insurance policy.